Chances are, that at some point in your life, possibly when you least expect it, you’ll be asked to deliver a eulogy, or to present a spoken tribute after the death of a loved friend or family member.
A eulogy is a chance to say goodbye. A chance to put your feelings – and those of others – into words and to perform a tribute to the person you have lost. An opportunity to mark the occasion and create a shared sense of meaning amongst the overwhelming feelings of grief and loss.
It seems at first that words will never be enough to express the essence of a human life. But words, in the form of a eulogy, delivered by someone personally connected to the deceased, can do much to support a community and to provide a respectful tribute.
Given it’s likely to be an occasion filled with emotion, and most of us have some fear of public speaking, taking the time to think deeply about what you’ll say, and how you’ll present those words, will ensure you’re as prepared as you can be.
Tips for writing the eulogy
- Write it down.
This is one of the few speaking situations that I suggest you write down what you are going to say. This may be an emotionally charged day and you want to control anything that you can. Writing out, rehearsing and if necessary, reading your eulogy will take some of the pressure off. - Choose a structure.
You might want to use a chronological structure where you tell the story of their life, highlighting a few major or interesting milestones. You might want to make the eulogy all about the clusters of people they have impacted – friends, family and professional groups. - Check in with other speakers.
If more than one person is speaking, then make sure you compare notes to avoid repetition. - Establish a central theme
Ask yourself – what is the main thing you would like this person to be remembered for? Is it their kindness, their sense of humour or perhaps their accomplishments. Deciding on a connecting element will help you narrow your focus and weave a narrative of their life. - Include personal stories
Paint a picture of their personality by sharing a few anecdotes that create a sense of shared and fond remembrance. Be as specific as possible. - Release the emotional pressure
If you can, look for opportunities to release pressure that inevitably builds up during a funeral or memorial. You could do this with humour, but don’t think that you have to become a stand-up comedian if that is not your natural style. Simply sharing a short but respectful and relevant quip at the right time can get everyone laughing together, which is amazingly cathartic. - Consider a meaningful quote
Poetry finds a natural resting place in the conclusion of a eulogy. It also has the added benefit of taking a little pressure off you whilst leaving the reverberations of just the right emotional sentiment in the room.
Tips for Delivering the Eulogy
- Get centred before you speak
Take a moment to calm your nerves before you step up to the microphone. If you can gain control of your breath your heart rate will slow and you will be able to speak clearly. Try the three, four five method – breathe in for a slow count of three, hold for four, then breathe out for a count of five. Repeat for a few rounds.
- Reconnect with Purpose
Rember your role is threefold – to honour the person that has died, to create a communal experience for the assembled and to perform a farewell ritual. It might help to reframe your role as a privilege to speak do all of this through some well-chosen words. - Connect with your audience
You will have a safe landing. No matter what happens in the delivery of the eulogy – everyone there is fully supportive of you and sympathetic for the job you will do. - Give your emotions some space
It is wrong to think you need to suppress your grief and sadness. Quite the opposite. The most powerful eulogies are delivered by people who clearly feel the emotions, recognise them in others and give them the space to breathe.